


The Goddamn Room Where It Happens

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, Friendship, Humor, I love Peggy, Multi, Mystery, Not to be taken seriously, Poor Burr, Slight JeffMads, and peggy, crack fic kind of, gay shit in this too so, he wants to be in the room where it happens, jeffmads sorry not sorry, poor peggy, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 16:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11339250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Something is wrong with Burr and detectives Peggy and Alex try to figure out how the hell they're going to fix him. Crackfic af





	1. We Have A Problem

**Author's Note:**

> I'm weird

Alexander was minding his own business, working on a writing piece he'd started two weeks ago and somehow never managed to get finished (to be fair, it was a long essay, and he was already working on a lot), when there was a timid knock on the door.

"Daddy?"

_Philip._

"Come in, son," Alex said.

"Um...Daddy..." Alex faced his son, who looked shyly at the ground. "We, er, have a...situation."

"Okay." Alex tilted his head. "What's up?"

Philip took a shaky breath. "It's Burr. He's...."

"Is he okay...?" Alex asked with genuine concern. Burr may have not been the best person in the world, but he considered him as a somewhat friend.

"Well...." Philip look to the side nervously. "Maybe you should see for yourself. He's acting...strange."

"Okay." Alex took his son's hand and together they walked into the living room.

-

Alex wasn't expecting a lot, but definitely not _this_.

"Daddy....are you okay??" Theodosia, Burr's daughter, asked, trying to console him.

"Must.....be....must be in....the room....." Burr was rocking back in fourth in a corner, muttering this underneath his breath. **(I'm so evil...oml...sorry??? XD)**

"Holy shit."

"Alexander!" Angelica scolded. "Not in front of the kids!"

"Yeah, not in front of the kids!" Peggy butted in.

"Wait....why is pretty much everyone in my house?"

"Laurens had the key," Peggy answered.

"And....?"

"Listen, that's not the problem!" Philip cried. "Help Burr! Before Theo cries. If Theo cries, I cry."

Peggy rolled her eyes. "Why can't we go with my plan?"

Angelica whipped around to face her sister. "FOR GOD'S SAKE, PEGGY, WE'RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING GET JEFFERSON'S FAKE UNICORN TO SPRINKLE FUCKING SPARKLES ON HIM OR WHATEVER!!!" **(The unicorn's name is Antonio, as you may remember)**

"P-p-p-please stop yelling...." Theo began to cry.

"SEE!?" Philip shouted, and he did, in fact, started to cry too. "Daddy, make it stop! I hate to see Theo crying."

Alex sighed. _Why does this shit always happen to me??_

"Okay, okay...Does anyone know why Burr's upset?"

Eliza walked in, a worried look on her face. "No, Alex, I'm afraid not. Kids, come with me. We can color in the kitchen!"

"R-Really?" Theo sniffled.

"Yes!"

Philip took Theo's hands. "Let's go, okay?"

Theo waved to her dad one last time. "Bye....Daddy....."

Peggy popped the gum in her mouth with her teeth. "Y'know, I think I know his problem."

"What?" Alex asked.

"For God's sake, Alexander, I think it's quite obvious. He wants to be in the room where it fucking happens." She threw her sunglasses dramatically behind her, which hit Angelica in the face.

"Why you little—"

"But c'mon!" Alex interrupted. "He and I have been through this! He's never gonna be in the Room Where It Happens! No way."

Peggy leaned forward in a very shady manner. "You know, there's more evidence..." she whispered.

Alex snorted. "What do you know about figuring things out."

"Pfft, come on, Lexi. I watch crime shows all the time. Like Cops. I think I know what I'm doing."

"Don't call me Lexi."

"I went through Burr's phone—"

"Awesome. Wow."

"—and I saw his group chat with the rest of the JefferSquad."

Alex's eyes widened. "It involves them?"

"Yeah. Here, let's talk somewhere more....private."

Alex pointed to Burr. "We can't just leave him like this."

"He'll be fine," Peggy reassured. "Let's go."


	2. The Password Is...Nothing You'd Expect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy has a plan to get information from Thomas and James regarding Burr's weird behavior.

"Oh my Jesus, Thomas is such an asshole."

Peggy closed up her spying kit. "Uh-huh."

"Like, what the fuck?? Why the hell would he promise such a thing?"

"Dunno, but if we don't figure this out...."

"What?"

"He'll stay tormented forever."

Alex was just about to scoff when the door to Peggy's secret room **(??)** opened, revealing Philip. Alex's expression softened. "Hi, son. How's it going?"

Philip wiped a tear. "Theo's still upset. Have you guys found anything."

"Yes," Peggy said, smiling and handing him two lollipops. "We know why Burr's upset, and we're looking for a solution." She ruffled his hair, and he smiled brightly. "Thank you, Auntie Peggy!"

Alex whistled, impressed. "Nice job you have with the kids."

"Yeah, they appreciate me _way_ more than you guys." She gestured to outside the room. "Wanna see if we can contact the JefferSquad?"

"Sure." Alex paused. "Why do you even have a secret room? In my house?"

Peggy smiled. "There's a lot you don't know about me. LET'S GO!!" She excitedly bounced to the living room.

-

"DAMMIT!"

"Alex, calm down—"

"NO, PEGGY! I CAN'T CALM DOWN! THIS IS FUCKING INSANE!! BURR IS ACTING WEIRD, MY BABE LAURENS ISN'T IN TOWN, THEO'S CRYING, PHILIP'S CRYING, AND WE CAN'T FIGURE OUT BURR'S DAMN PASSWORD—"

"It's okay, Daddy!" Philip said. "Theo says she has an idea. And Theo's _always_ right."

Theo smiled and typed in: _Theodosia_. There was a flash of red on the screen, followed by a lot of sad emojis, the word _WRONG!_ following it. **(yes this is how computers work folks)**

Theo frowned. She typed in her full name. Still no luck. She sat down, a sad expression on her face.

"PLEASE DON'T CRY, THEO!!" Philip said, hugging her. "I'm here! It's okay—"

Alex was just about to help console her when Theo cried out: "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR! Everyone makes the one they love most of all their password! Like Laurens's is _Lexi &JLo4Evr_—"

Alex gasped. "R-Really?"

"—and Daddy Burr loves me!" She sobbed into her hands.

Philip turned to his dad. "Daddy Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Can I have a phone?"

"Why?"

He smiled more. "So I can make Theodosia my password."

Alex chuckled. "Maybe whenever you're older."

"Worth a shot," Philip muttered, going back to hold Theo, who blushed and smiled.

"Alex, I have a solution," Peggy said, picking up Alex's phone.

"Woah, wait—"

"What's your password?"

"Um..." Alex sweated nervously.

"Alex, just give me your damn—"

"WHAT THE HELL IT'S MY PHONE GIVE IT—"

"ALEX!!"

"OKAY OKAY IT'S I-ONCE-TASTED-SOUTH-CAROLINA-AND-IT-WAS-GREAT, #LAMS WITH NO SPACE! UGH!"

Peggy smirked. "Alrighty! Show time."

Alex scoffed. "That's my phone. What can you do with my phone?"

Peggy smiled. "You'll see."

_Hey guys I'm drunk at Alex's. Remember my password @ my computer????_

_What the fuck? Aaron? Is that you? Come on, Alex, is this a prank?_

_No man it's me, Burr. #_ _saltsquadbitches_ _. Know that one? Yeah_ _yo_ _I need my password to my computer_ _plz_ _it's an emergency._

_Huh. You never told me or Maddie your password, so I have no idea._

_:"(_

_But you had a back-up account, one for emergencies that you told Maddie and I._

_:") Yay! What is it?_

_?? Why so many fucking smiley faces?? You really are drunk. Okay, okay, um, let's see .... Yeah I forgot._

_!!!! Get Maddie !!!!_

_DON'T CALL HIM MADDIE, BITCH._

_Ok right sorry_ _lol_ _um anyways yeah get Madison please? Does he remember?_

_Quite possibly. But here's the thing... 1)_ _Maddie's_ _asleep so he can't talk w/ u and 2) U owe me. This is the 2_ _nd_ _time this week you called MY_ _bff_ _Maddie. Apologize, motherfucker. I don't care if you're drunk._

Peggy cursed, almost breaking Alex's phone in half.

"What?" Alex asked, rocking both Philip and Theo in his arms.

Peggy smiled sweetly. "Nothing! Just Thomas being _stubborn_..." She continued to furiously text.

"Want help....?"

"Nah, I'm good, and you seem busy."

"Read me a bedtime story, Daddy!"

_Yeah okay_ _im_ _sorry. But seriously—just get Madison!!! Emergency!!!_ _Plz_ _!!! For your squad_ _mem_ _?_

_Pfft_ _, you were a one-time thing, Burr. Also, no, Maddie needs his beauty rest. Besides, your "emergency" can't be THAT bad._

_No, no, it is!!!_ Peggy thought for a moment. "Ooh! I know!" _Theo's stuck in a tree._

_And....?_

_And um she has Madison's missing wallet in her hands. And, you know, it would be such a damn shame if she dropped it, all that precious money falling out, not to mention how sad Maddie—_ Peggy had to retype— _Madison will be when he finds out, his_ _lil_ _soft cinnamon roll heart broken ,, forever...._

Peggy knew that'd work.

_Okay_ _okay_ _we're coming!!!! Just—don't let that girl drop the wallet!!!! The password is....hold up...let me wake up Maddie....Ok he...he says it's...WHAT? XD It's um it's_ _snickerdoodlemlpscominatyalive_ _. Like,_ _wtf_ _...._

_Thanks :")_

Peggy jumped up and down, patting herself on the back. "Sometimes I'm way too good for my own...well, good!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes most of my fics are weird
> 
> ENJOY
> 
>  
> 
> P.S., I love Peggy. It was worth a mention.


	3. We All Have Fam Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally the title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck is this lmao
> 
> Originally posted on wattpad. If you have an account you should check my other stories out on there ^^ 
> 
> also jeffmads sorry not sorry lol

"Wait, why couldn't you just text them what the issue was? We wouldn't even have to go on the damn computer! Also, how did they listen to you? Like, they didn't once thought it was a prank? What's going on?"

Peggy rolled her eyes. "It's saddening on how little faith you have in me."

"Yeah, yeah, cut to the chase!"

Eliza walked in. "Guys, I've made dessert—"

"HOLD UP ELIZA!!!" Both screamed.

"D-Daddy?" Philip said, waking up and rubbing his eyes.

"Um um go back to sleep!! La la lalalalala umm imagine Theo dancing on clouds!"

Philip smiled and fell back asleep.

"Okay, listen, you see this?" She pointed to the text conversation where Peggy had typed #saltsquadbitches. "It's their thing, like, so they know they're really talking to their squad. They're really cautious like that. Also, did you really expect the JefferSquad to be straight up with us? Nothing they do is straight."

"Huh, that's true."

"We need them here anyways. They're the only ones that can stop this madness. The computer—I know this because me and Angie snoop a lot—has a lot of Burr's private documents."

"Huh." Alex smirked. "I'd love to get my hands on—"

"—and they're, um, coming. Right now."

"WHAT!?"

"Shhh!" Angelica said.

"B-But—dessert—" Eliza started.

"CAN IT! PEGGY, why did you not tell me sooner Jefferass and Madispoon were coming?"

"You didn't ask?"

"Ugh!"

"Oh and they think Theo's stuck in a tree. With a wallet. That I knew about 'cause, again, I snoop."

"...."

"Yeah okay let's get ready—"

The doorbell rang, and Alex gave Peggy a nervous look. She nodded, mouthing _It'll be fine._ The door was open, to reveal a very angry Jefferson, hair messed up, in pink pajamas.

With his voice dangerously low, he said: "You better have a goddamn great explanation for this, or you're so fucking dead."

Alex sweated nervously as Thomas pushed his way inside. "AHA!" He pointed to sleeping Theo. "The girl's not stuck in the tree! Where the hell is that wallet??"

Peggy cleared her throat. "Er, where's Madison?"

"In the car. Which is none of your business." He held out his hand. "Give me that damn wallet."

Peggy smiled, though Alex could see she was shaking nervously. "Yeah, listen, we'll give you the wallet if you tell us what's wrong with Burr. And fix it." She gestured to Burr, still rocking with a far away look in his eyes, now a blanket covering him, just in case he gets cold.

"Oh, him." Thomas winced with a sour look on his face. "Here, hold up." He took out his pink and sparkly phone (go figure, am I right) and sent a quick text. A few seconds later, Madison came in, obviously very sleepy.

"Maddie?"

"Huh?"

"We need to explain to these morons what happened."

Madison groaned dramatically—even compared to Jefferson's dramatic groans—and dropped onto the couch. "Okay," his muffled voice came in.

Thomas crossed his arms. "He's like _that_ because I may or may have not promised him that I'd let him be in The Room..." He gestured to Burr.

"Go figure. Nice going, Jefferass." Alex shook his head.

"Why you bitch—"

"GUYS! Stop. Thomas, we know that, but why? Why promise such a thing??" Peggy interrupted.

Thomas sighed. "Burr wouldn't leave when I told him to. So I came up with the one thing I knew that'd work: an opportunity to be in The Room."

Alex paused. "Okay...You do realize you could've just brought up Theo—"

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" Philip yelled.

"Shush, child," Alex said.

"I panicked!" Thomas threw his hands up in exasperation.

"I don't understand," Peggy spoke up. "What was so important that made you want Burr to leave? Isn't he kind of your fam?"

"Pfft," Thomas scoffed. "Barely. Like, he's helpful, but intrudes a lot—"

"HE JUST WANTS FRIENDS!" Theo cried.

"I wasn't even—"

"DON'T BACK-TALK MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"She's not even your actual girlfriend!" Alex said.

Philip just dropped onto the couch, crossing his arms.

Thomas cleared his throat. "Anyways, like we were saying....Burr was intruding. Like usual."

"What were you—" Peggy began, before Thomas finished: "I was just freaking trying to have quality time with Maddie, okay!? And we just bought fucking macaroni and cheese a day ago! I was going to have some tonight!" He said this with his usual annoyed, melodramatic tone.

"Huh," Alex said.

"What?" Thomas demanded.

"So, like, Burr's the third wheel pretty much..."

"Duh," came Madison's muffled response.

"Okay...Well, at least we know what's wrong. But seriously, Thomas, it wasn't worth having an empty promise just because he was interrupting sappy moments between you and your future husband, like you guys don't ever see each other enough—"

"Whatever!" Thomas blushed, glancing at Madison, hoping he didn't hear the last few parts of Peggy's sentence.

"What do we do now?" Theo asked, playing with her red ribbon.

Peggy took a deep breath. "Well, we can open the computer for more information. Thomas, Madison—do you know how to, um, fix him?" She gestured to Burr.

"Hmm..." Thomas thought for a moment. "Um, well, the last time he had a similar... _emotional breakdown_ , we had to force him to spend an hour or so with the person he disliked the most—Alexander."

Alex turned even more pale than we already was.

Peggy faced him. "Alex, why didn't you tell us that before?"

"I forgot!" Alexsaid. "Besides, it's not like I knew that applied to _this_ situation too..." 

"Wait, I'm still confused," Philip said, standing up. "How would Burr and Alex hanging around together result in Burr becoming sane again?"

Thomas huffed. "Like I know."

Peggy shrugged. "Well, it's worth a try. Alex, what happened last time?"

Alex thought, trying to remember. "I talked to him about shit that didn't matter, and then I got onto the topic of his beloved daughter, Theodosia, and he woke up."

"REALLY?" Theo asked. "AW!"

Philip smiled, though he looked slightly jealous.

"I'll look for another way, just in case," Peggy said. "Alex, get ready to hang with him again."

Alex nodded, but was interrupted by Theo. "Wait! Why doesn't he snap out of it whenever I say his name and ish?" She looked up at Alexander with pleading, soft brown eyes. Damn...

"Not sure, honey."

"DON'T CALL HER HONEY! ONLY I CALL HER HONEY! It's okay, honey!" Philip said.

"Jefferson much," Alex muttered.

Thomas rolled his eyes and helped his sleeping friend off the couch. "Whatever. We're done. Let's go home, Maddiekinz!"

Alex tried to pick Aaron up, but he swatted him away and hissed like a cat. "What the fuck, dude? Just let me—" He was kicked aside. "WAIT!" Burr yelled all of a sudden. He looked around, confusion flashing in his face.

"What the love of fucking—"

"DADDY!!" Theo ran up and hugged him. He chuckled. "Er, hi, Theo. What's—"

"Yikes, we should go—" Thomas picked Madison up and began to run.

Realization flashed in Burr's face, as if he was remembering everything. "WHY YOU SON OF A—"

"BYE!!" Thomas called, slamming the door.

Burr cursed and stood and almost fell, but Alex caught him while smiling. "You okay, man?"

Burr sighed. "Yeah. Just disappointed, I guess. Oh well. I don't need The Room, I have Theo."

Theo smiled and hugged her dad again. Philip then hugged her from behind, and Peggy wanted to join in, so she hugged Philip.

Alex held out his arms awkwardly for Burr. Burr's eyes widened, then he chuckled. "Yeah, no. Sorry, I'm not necessarily a hugger—"

"LIAR!" Theo yelled.

"Ooh, #Rejected," Peggy said.

Alex sniffled, trying not to look hurt. "So, you gonna get them back?"

"Oh, hell yes, I just don't know how. They're the worst sometimes, like, I thought we were slightly fam—"

"NOT YOUR FAM!" Thomas yelled from outside.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FAM!?" Burr cried.

"I'm your fam!" Theo said, smiling up at her dad. This caused the whole Hug Train ™ to stop, Philip frowning disapprovingly.

Burr smiled, wiping a tear from his cheek. "I know, sweetheart, and you're right. Daddy feels stupid now."

"Good." Theo hugged him again. Alex and Peggy shared a hopeful glance.

"Well, we have to go," Burr said. "Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Alex smiled. "No problem, dude."

Philip turned to Theo. "Are you better now, Theodosia?"

Theo nodded, then hugged Philip. "I love you, Pip!"

"I love you too..." He blushed. They waved and soon were out the door.

"Guys?" Eliza stepped out from the hallway. "I...I made cookies..."

Alex and Peggy laughed. "We're coming."


	4. Raise A Glass To The Four of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ending basically :")

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short but oh well there's not much to say now XD
> 
> Hoped you enjoyed this! Even though it's weird lmao

Eliza made the best cookies. She was a freaking MasterChef genius.

Peggy munched on a snickerdoodle. "These...are delicious."

Eliza blushed and smiled, turning around to get more.

"So," Peggy began. "How do you think Burr's gonna pay Thomas and Madison back?"

Alex shrugged, sitting down his chocolate chip cookie. "I don't know, post a video of those two lovebirds making out or something?"

Peggy snorted, and Philip looked around confusingly.

"You know...." Alex took a glass of milk from Eliza, who offered some to everyone. "You're actually really fun to hang with, Peggy. I'm sorry we all kind of take you for granted sometimes..."

Peggy smiled. "No problem, Lexi."

"Guys?" Philip asked. "Is Theo okay? Is she and Burr gonna be happy now?"

Eliza patted Philip's head. "Yes, dear. They're fine, one-hundred percent."

Philip stared down at his untouched cookie. "Do you think she loves me?"

Alex laughed. "Of course, son. Isn't it obvious? You're like, her best friend. Why wouldn't she love you?"

Philip smiled as Peggy continued Alex's thoughts: "Exactly! You're her hero."

Philip blushed. "You think so?"

"I _know_ so," Alex said.

Peggy smirked. "Like you and Laurens?"

Alex chuckled, cheeks turning pink. "Heh, yeah, like Laurens and I." _Damn I miss him right now...._

Peggy held Alex's hand. "He'll be back."

Alex nodded and Eliza lifted her glass of milk into the air. "Raise a glass to the four of us!"

"To the newly not poor of us!" Peggy agreed, lifting her cup.

They toasted, laughed, and ended up discussing the funniest stories they remembered about the JefferSquad screwing up.


End file.
